One for KindofBlue

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One for KindofBlue

Post  FairyDust on Mon Jan 30, 2012 4:20 am

I noticed you like E.A.Poe Smile as do I.

I also absolutely adore Ravens. Raven's are one of the most intelligent birds on the planet, they work out challenges, use tools such as sticks to pry grubs out of hollows in trees, they are also one of the theories of myths about phoenixes.
These birds used to land in the camp fires of cowboys in the old west to warm their feet during the night. Sometimes when dawn was coming up someone would wake up and startle the Raven, making it take flight, and as it beat it's wings it fanned the ashes of the fire into flame. Set against the backdrop of the rising sun it's feathers would take on the hues of the sunrise making it look like a bird of flame rising from the ashes of the fire.

This isn't as finished as it should be so lets see if you can tell me where I've left the unfinished bits? Very Happy theres a challenge, a poor one but one, nonetheless.

If you like this one I'll post a finished Raven poem I did many years ago.

Indigo Raven in Star spangled Skies,
Shrieking despair to the storms in our lives
Lightning strikes twice and thunder rolls round
Gyrating and veering - on rarefied gusts

Gloomy bringer in tormented times
A brief fascination of gothic portrayal
One beady black eye set in shimmering coat
Blinks so malevolently, twinkles and gloats.

Indigo raven in star spangled skies
soulless your cries - borne off in the sweep.
Summoner, soul keeper, free from all hopes
What dreams do you dream, up there in the scope?




Last edited by FairyDust on Sun Feb 05, 2012 12:40 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: One for KindofBlue

Post  KindOfBlue06 on Sun Feb 05, 2012 6:30 am

Bravo! I'm flattered you'd write a Raven poem for me, especially after that speil about how awesome the great birds are.

Indigo Raven in Star spangled Skies,
Shrieking despair to the storms in our lives
Lightning strikes twice and thunder rolls round
Gyrating and veering on rarefied gusts

Gloomy bringer in tormented times
A brief fascination of gothic portrayal
One beady black eye set in shimmering coat
Blinks so malevolently, twinkles and gloats.

Indigo raven in star spangled skies
soulless your cries are borne off in the sweep.
Summoner, soul keeper, free from all hopes
What dreams do you dream, up there in the scope?

The last line of the first verse and the second line of the third -I'm having trouble hearign the rhythm to them. Perhaps it's a matter of punctuation which you could rearrange, but I think it's more that's somethings missing. I feel like you haven'tr found the right line to end the verse for the rhythm you set up(if that makes any sense at all.) I feel like a syllable or more would solve it, but maybe you hear the rhythm of the poem differently than I do. And that's fine too, if you hear it, you hear it clearly and that's all that matters is that YOU hear it.

To make it flow with what you have, perhaps "Gyrating and veering -On rarefield gusts." or "Gyrating and veering. On rarefield gusts." Can you hear how it seems to flow better that way? Poetry is like a song-it needs rhythm. Once you feel it, you can flow on it endlessley.

The rest of the poem, I like though. The imagery is superb. And thbanks again for thinking of me. Poe is smiling in another world now, reading this. Thanks again!

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Re: One for KindofBlue

Post  FairyDust on Sun Feb 05, 2012 12:39 pm

wowies.. high praise indeed! Very Happy thankyou.

you got that absolutely right those are the two lines I got `stuck` on. I had the cadence in my head but couldn't verbalize it in the way I wanted. I tend to use a hyphen more than a comma so I'll edit that now.

The third verse second line. the `Are` should be bold when speaking, or hyphenated while removing the word `are`.

I forget my punctuation when writing them lol and often have to go back and put it in. Very Happy

I will make a new thread with my only properly finished poem which is about Ravens, isn't it?

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