Song lyrics - canal swimming

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Song lyrics - canal swimming

Post  studentofrhythm on Tue Jan 31, 2012 2:51 pm

Here are some song lyrics that I am mostly happy with, except for the last verse. Any ideas on how to make it stronger?

I wrote this based on a conversation I had with an old woman from southern Alberta, where I have some relatives (she isn't a relative but she knows some of mine). I'm still not sure about a title. The music I have planned is without meter, with drum rolls, cello and a melody taken from a couple of Saami joik tunes that Wimme Saari sings on his first album.
---
On the bank of the canal,
no other mortal eye to see
save birds and thunderclouds,
there you took off your clothes
and swam in the water alone.

It covered you up to your chin,
hiding your young form from my mind’s eye
as the clouds rolled in.

Floating, you listened to the thunder,
nothing between you and the water.
You tell me generations later:
I had not yet been born then,
nor had you daughters nor sons.

I saw blossoms of oil crops glowing,
spread out over the fields of your home
under clouds like those that watched you,
their great-granddaughters
whose summer showers fall on the canals,
the melt of last season’s snows.

Your words bathe me in the same water.
Senses present with no obstruction.
And my blood runs through canals.
The waters of earth now flow in my veins:
beauty and danger.
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studentofrhythm

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Re: Song lyrics - canal swimming

Post  FairyDust on Wed Feb 01, 2012 10:54 am

I LOVE this, this is just striking every chord with me! It sucks me in as if I am there at that moment in time. Absolutely wonderful! Smile I would say this is my favorite of all your poems/songs so far.

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